Frank’s Flops Week 2: The Caravan of Panic
What a week! The Packers lose, the Saints lose, the Giants lose, the Jets scored, and Frank went 14-6! Hell, Roger Goodell even lost! What’s next, panic in the streets?
There might have been if the commish took the stand and testified that he put the hammer down on ole Jonathan Vilma and the Bayou Sinners Sam Jackson style:
“Yes, their careers deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell! Respect my authority…”
Yes, Rog, even you’re a loser. My buddy Matt Waldman is hoping there’s a line in Vegas where he put down a c-note that you’ll have to hand the Saints and Jonathan Vilma the Lombardi. He thinks its just too strange not to come true. Frank is inclined to agree.
The two normal things last week were the Raiders and Browns doing what they do best: Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Here’s how Frank fared on his picks:
- Dez Bryant plays like a college boy who says he’s “backed up.”
- The Irsay-You Say Ponies defense.
- Matt Forte saying, “I told you so.”
- Dwayne Bowe medium rare.
- Brandon Weeden needing rubber diapers.
- Cortland Finnegan pissing off the Simbas.
- Jake Locker giving up on Jared Cook by the second quarter.
- Ryan Fitzpatrick getting his pipe shoved up his Harvard hind parts.
- Ryan Tannehill earning a big Frank Flops welcome courtesy of the Houston Secessionists.
- Late Night Larry Fitzgerald slipped a dose of Ambien.
- Deangelo Williams robbed of chance to shine in Tampa.
- Jermaine Gresham performs like a pussy (cat).
- Denarius Moore not showing up to play – literally.
- Ix-Nay on any back with a Bolt on his helmet.
- Miles Austin blowing a tire.
- Santana Moss out-playing the Haitian Waiter.
- Football Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Proof came that Nick is actually a Purple Viking. Leave a cookie for Peterson lest you want to get trucked.
- Fred Jackson thriving and C.J. Spiller barely surviving.
- Jermichael Finley jilting Matt Williamson at the altar.
- Demaryius Thomas getting slobber knocked.
Week 2 Flops
Bears vs. Packers
The Windy City Bear Claws get flown west to Wisconsin with the hopes they don’t get shrink wrapped into a box by the Green Bay Warehouse Foremen. Don’t flop on Randall Cobb this week. He’s getting the Darren Sproles treatment. However, expect Devin Hester to wish someone would get the clue that he should have been Darren Sproles five years ago.
Chiefs vs. Bills
The KC Pitt Masters are traveling to Buffalo for some bison barbecue on Sunday, but they are gonna be disappointed because that meat is lean. Frank doesn’t want any part of C.J. Spiller after that Clemson Tiger ripped a hole through the Jets fuselage. However, give this hack predictor a slab of Jonathan Baldwin with a side of Tony Moeaki. Neither of these Pioli specials are gonna chow down in the Niagara Neighborhood.
Saints vs. Panthers
The Treme Sinners had a post-Vilma hangover thanks to too many shots of RG3 with an Alfred Morris chaser. Frank thinks that pain will persist when they make a road trip to Cackalacky to face Sir Isaac Newton’s freak show science project and a bunch of pissed off Appalachian Lions. Drew Brees will play pretty as usual, but this offense will be leading a second line Nawlins funeral march that ends in sadness. Frank isn’t expecting Brandon LaFell to repeat his performance from last weekend. Don’t get stuck with him this weekend unless you want the Rebirth Brass Band playing a second line in your honor.
Browns vs. Bengals
The Red-headed Rifle got swarmed by a flock of Never Mores in Charm City last Monday. He could have the same problem when they host the Polluted Lake Elves in River City. Frank needs to take a risk this week and that bold pick is Joe Haden blanketing A.J. Green. Wait a minute. Haden is suspended? Forget that. Green is going to make up for a mediocre outing last weak where he dropped two passes. Frank will go back to picking on Brandon Weeden, who is going to get a big taste of Geno Atkins and have nothing but putrid water to wash it from his mouth. Clamoring for Colt? Nope. Trippin’ for Thaddeus? Maybe. Frank will again bet against Jermaine Gresham. He’s one of those big, bad-lookin’ softies that curl up and quiver when they get trucked. He’s the most overrated young gun at tight end in the NFL.
Vikings vs. Colts
Frank is definitely leaving a cookie for Saint Adrian Peterson every week without fail. Frank may be naughty, but he doesn’t want to get trucked. On the other hand, this looks like a game where Percy Harvin gets a day off, and it won’t be for a migraine. St. Peterson’s Purple Henchmen say they want to be careful about Big Daddy’s knee, but they’re not in charge.
The rest will be available later this week at Fantasy Throwdown.com