Reads: Frank’s Flops
I have a slightly depraved colleague who refers to himself as “Frank.” I’m not sure if “Frank” is his real name, but after meeting him I forgot to ask. He’s a lot like Seinfeld’s Kramer in the sense that you might notice one outrageous thing about him immediately, but within 30 seconds you realize that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Frank has that kind of thing going for him (or against him). He asked me if he could get a break into fantasy football writing. I told him that I needed to see some of his work. So he penned a piece that he intends to make a series at Fantasy Throwdown.com that’s a tribute to now-deceased Athens, Georgia native, Leonard Postero and his seminal radio program Leonard’s Losers.
The series is Frank’s Flops and Frank in his own special (yellow bus) style, makes picks in the form of players to avoid. I have to admit that I laughed out loud a few times reading some of the substitute names he uses for teams in a similar, but bawdier tribute to Leonard’s Losers. Here’s a sample of his Opening Week column. I’m adding pictures because I can.
Frank’s Flops: Week 1 – Floppin’ The Openers
Frank is a natural born loser – a magnet for heartbreak and mayhem. When it comes to football, these two things as abundant as dandruff flakes on Troy Polamalu’s noggin’ during the pre-Head and Shoulders endorsement era. Talk about sand in your eye, he’s reason No.3 why players wear helmet windshields.
As you can see, Frank speaks in the third person, which is the preferred choice of any loser. Don’t believe Frank? Look back at T.O.’s career. He never won a Super Bowl and the only time he made a championship caliber play was that catch against the Wisconsin Brat Packers. When he did, he cried like little boy who missed the ice cream truck. Loser.
Frank can spot a loser a mile away. Fantasy Throwdown has lots of ‘em every every week and he volunteered his services to identify the fantasy flops for each week’s NFL games. He won’t profile every game, every week; consider this a special, “Opening Week” edition.
Take these chumps if you want to be a chump.
Cowboys vs. Giants
Dez Bryant and the Texas Brass Pole Jockeys travel to the Rotten Apple for a divisional matchup with Eli Manning’s ginormous head and the rest of the New Jersey Genetic Mutants. Jer “Master D” Jones has placed Bryant on gentlemen’s club probation, but that doesn’t mean Bryant didn’t have brass poles installed in his basement. The problem is this game ain’t on at the ranch, which mean’s Bryant will be backed up and angry. Muhammad Ali fought backed up and angry.
Frank is waiting for Bryant to flop in his first home game. The primetime flopper in this matchup is Miles Austin, whose hamstrings are strung tighter than Beyonce’s form-fitting stage outfits. There’s a threat that both will bust loose, but somehow the constricting nature of both materials keeps that thrill from happening. Steer clear of Austin and go with the frustrated Pole Jockey.
Colts vs. Bears
The Lucky Horses ride to Chi-town to wrangle some Bear Meat. However, they better be armed with a warehouse of Rolaids because that’s some rank victuals. Cutler the irascible dancing bear is tired of doing the two-step with a bunch of big sweaty men and his coach Mike Tice is trying to remedy the situation. Fortunately for the Bear Meat, the Indy Hobby Horsey defense offers rides all day long, which means Matt Forte will be telling the Papa Bear “I told you so,” with every yard earned. Antoine Bethea might have triple-digit tackles by the time it’s over, but steer clear of the Colts team defense. Flop city.
Falcons vs. Chiefs
The Phoenix of the city that Sherman burned travel to Arthur Bryant’s Tomahawk Barbeque for a showdown with the true Native Chefs of America (or whatever they called it before the rest of us got here and gave it that Italian name). Dwayne Bowe is a Frank fave this week because he’s facing Assante Samuel and Brent Grimes. Bowe’s late arrival to camp and a new offense is playing into the Flopster’s hands. Combine that with a ground chuck of Jamaal Charles and Peyton Hillis that would make Rex Ryan burst the bolts off his stomach clamp and Bowe is ready to sear fantasy owners on the grill.
Eagles vs. Browns
Oh how Frank is itching to see Brandon Weeden in rubber diapers. Yes, the Frank knows that sounds kinky, but he assures you it’s simply about the Eagles pass rush. The oldest rookie this side of Chris Weinke already quivers with brain overload when the pocket breaks and there are no open receivers to be found. If the Eastern Ohio Junior Girl Scouts figured out that Josh Cribbs is still its best pass catcher, they might have a clue. However they are still trying to figure out how to make their uniforms look cool 60 years later. Brandon Weeden and Cameron Newton both have four syllables. That’s about all they have in common. Weeden has multiple accidents. The Eagles defensive ends better wear latex gloves.
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