I don’t do mock drafts. I have nothing against them. If I had more time, I’d probably get into them. They’re entertaining. And you can’t get much more entertaining than a Greg Cosell mock, unless of course you get my wife’s commentary layered over top – Paulette Mooney style with a Billy ‘Superstar’ Graham sensibility.
Reader Advisory: If you approach this NFL event as a Holy Day – avoid this sacrilegious piece. Otherwise . . .
My wife doesn’t watch football much. They outlawed too many of the techniques that she thought were perfectly reasonable:
- Eye Gouges
- Horse Collars
You need to understand that my wife grew up in the country and was raised “country strong,” along the lines of Steve McNair. She tore her Achilles’ in January and ditched the crutches the next day and the walking boot the day after. She’s tired of hearing about “poor Kobe Bryant” because she’s already walking in heels and beginning an exercise regimen. The orthopedist asked if he could write something about her – I’m not kidding.
This is the mentality of a woman who grew up with a grandfather who worked at a sawmill most of his life and a social worker grandmother (think a more sophisticated and urbane Madea from Tyler Perry) who was given all the “hard cases” to straighten out. Farm life, fixing houses, and trying to avoid her grandfather’s tonic of lemon juice and moonshine when she got sick made her country strong. It’s the best I can explain about a woman who ran a 11.2-second, 100 and has a 19-foot long jump to her credit when her ‘warm up’ consisted of a pre-event cigarette.
Jene Bramel calls my wife Paulette Mooney, because much of her commentary veers into the realm of Paul Mooney’s comedy. Now that you understand a little about Paulette Mooney, here’s what went down when I explained a mock draft using Greg Cosell’s as an example.
I could only keep her attention for the first 18 picks before she was off to re-flooring the kitchen and re-facing kitchen cabinets. But if you know her – that’s an impressive number.
1. Kansas City Chiefs – Central Michigan Offensive Tackle, Eric Fisher:
Paulette stares at the photo of Fisher at the top of the Cosell article.
“Is that him? He looks like he could take out a tree – and he’d enjoy it . . . Oh my God, you know all those Army-Navy commercials to brainwash all the kids to join? [She begins to sing] Be proud, be strong . . . maybe it’s just the jersey with all those stars on it messing with me.”
“He’s fast, too,” I tell her.
Paulette rolls her eyes and responds with her best imitation of a sports anchor talking about Robert Griffin.
“Is he articulate, too? I bet he has such a good speaking voice – like Obama.”
2. Jacksonville Jaguars – Texas A&M Offensive Tackle, Luke Joeckel:
Paulette squints at the name and makes a face.
“That’s a trailer park last name. Sounds like a guy I’d watch on ‘My Name is Earl’. I love that show. But he looks like he’s too nice”
“His dad once told him that he could be as nice as he wanted off the field, but to be mean on it.”
“I’m with pops on that philosophy . . . “
“I know – I’m already trying to figure out a way to keep us from getting banned from high school games if we have a son who plays.”
3. Oakland Raiders – Florida Defensive Tackle, Shariff Floyd:
“Yeah, they’re also often called ‘Nose Tackles’ they play across from the guy snapping the ball . . . “
“You mean you can go for people’s noses? I like that . . . ‘Sharrif,’ that’s a city name from up north.”
“Good guess. He’s from Philly – we really need to enter you into a contest.”
Paulette takes a look at Floyd’s highlights on YouTube.
“Some ugly uniforms . . .”
“When it comes to being a resident of Athens, there’s some hope for you yet.”
“He can manhandle some folks though. He and that Fisher guy are some corn-fed boys. You want some con-fed mother&%*@!$%.”
4. Philadelphia Eagles – Oregon Outside Linebacker Dion Jordan:
“Dion? You gotta be strong to be a dude name ‘Dion’,” Paulette laughs and begins singing. “What do you get when you fall in love . . .”
“That’ ain’t right.”
Paulette looks at highlights of Jordan sacking Brock Osweiler last year.
“Who is that team in black?”
“They look like a S.W.A.T. team gone bad.”
“Remember that article I had to write that kept us from going to that Barry Manilow concert you wanted to see? [Editor’s note: Thank you, Football Outsiders]“
“Yeah. . . now I don’t like him. He’s smooth though . . .who was the other guy you had in that article?”
“Unnhhh. Is he in this mock?”
“Alright then . . . I got something to say about him and his mom, later.”
5. Detroit Lions – Oklahoma Offensive Tackle Lane Johnson:
“Well, thanks to his mom, he’ll get job with that name once he blows his Achilles’ tendon.”
“Lane? Really, you like that name?”
“That’s a nice name. That’s a dude I’d call if I got a speeding ticket.”
“It sounds professional, but kind of shady – just shady enough that he’ll get you off.”
6. Cleveland Browns – Notre Dame Tight End Tyler Eifert:
Paulette bursts into laughter.
“Who came up with the name ‘Tight end’?”
“Players who caught passes and were positioned at the end of the line were called ‘ends.’ The ones further away were ‘split’ from the formation and called ‘split ends’ the ones ‘tight’ to the line . . . “
“There’s nothing right about that name for a position – whether you’re a boy or a girl. And Tyler Eifert? What kind of name is that? All I can think about is Ike Turner saying, ‘Anna Mae!!!'”
“I just see Ike whipping Tina’s ass in the back of a limo – I know that’s not funny, but in hindsight it kind of is now that you see Tina getting the last laugh. You know, that Eifert must have some kind of game because if Ike fooled Anna Mae this guy must be the same deal in football terms – a sneaky ass whooper.”
“Well, if any analytics guys read what you just said, they’ll probably say it’s proof positive that they don’t need me to ‘eyeball’ players.’
“Anal-lytics? Tight Ends? Wide Receivers?”
Paulette collapses onto the coach and curls into the fetal position. Her body is shaking as she muffles the laughter into a pillow.
7. Arizona Cardinals – West Virginia Wide Receiver, Tavon Austin:
“Tavon Austin. He’s short isn’t he?”
“If he’s picked here, he’ll be the shortest player ever picked this high.”
“Is he related to Spud Webb – that’s my boy. Even if he played at Wake. That’s all I’ve got to say about Tavon”
8. Buffalo Bills, Outside Linebacker Barkevious Mingo:
“I bet he’s fast.”
“With that name he did a lot of running as a kid.”
“Oh Lord . . .”
“Tell his momma she needs to call me. We need to have a chat about resumes. How’s he gonna get paid outside of football with a name like that?”
“If he’s one of the [seemingly 5 percent] of NFL players who gets his finances right, he won’t need to. Check this out.”
“I LIKE him. He’s throwin’ people down and causing fights! That’s how a man gets paid! He has Taye Diggs’ teeth . . .can we fix him up with our daughter?”
“Why not? “
“She has a boyfriend.”
“But he can’t even beat her in fantasy football.”
9. New York Jets – North Carolina Offensive Guard Jonathan Cooper:
“You’re a rising senior. Stay in school; get your paper.”
“But he’s really good. He stands to make a ton of money.”
“The other paper will still be waiting on you,” she says while looking at the highlights and commenting about the stupidity of long hair in football. “With a college degree he’ll be fine. If he gets hurt in the NFL he won’t get no money either.”
10. Tennessee Titans – Alabama Offensive Guard Chance Warmack:
“He’s a trailer boy, but his parents gave him a real name – good for him.”
11. San Diego Chargers – Georgia Linebacker Alec Ogletree:
“All I can think of is Oglethorpe Street here in town.”
“Well he did play here in town.”
“Really? He’s one of our local kids? Why is he wearing a flag? This isn’t flag football? Georgia is always confusing me.”
12. Miami Dolphins – Houston Cornerback D.J. Hayden
“Wait a minute, isn’t that who they’re talking about on TV?” Paulette watches Mike Mayock and Paul Burmeister hosting a mock draft on NFL Network.”That blond guy is about a second away from whistling through his teeth every time he uses a word with an ‘s’. A little distracting.”
“I hadn’t noticed.”
“Look at my husband trying to be nice. Good thing there’s no NFL team called the Sioux City-City Slickers. Every dog in a two-mile radius of a sports bar might come running. D.J. Hayden . . . what’s this about an island on the football field. There’s no island”
“D.J. . . . Dee-Jay . . . All I can think of is this rap song from the 80s where the woman says ‘Dee-Jay please pick up the phone on the request line . . .’
“I knew there’d be an `80s reference dropped somewhere in here.”
“You know it!”
13. Pittsburgh Steelers – Georgia Outside Linebacker Jarvis Jones
“I like that name. It sounds like a Georgia name.”
“Why? [She’s right again]”
“Sounds homey and warm. He’s from some place like Illa – some place nobody ever heard of . . .”
“He plays here in town. I think he is an in-state guy,” I look it up and sure enough, Richland, Georgia.
“Richland? Have you heard of it?
“I’ve lived here all my life and never heard of it.”
Paulette watches some tape of Jones and points to the screen.
“I like sacks. Does he do that a lot?”
“That’s all I need to know.”
14. Carolina Panthers – Missouri Defensive Tackle Sheldon Richardson:
What’s his major? Chemistry?
“Why? His name?”
“Yeah. Sounds like anything, but ‘Sharrif’.”
“And he’s not finishing?” Paulette looks at the highlights. “Yeah . . . he’s gone.”
15. New Orleans Saints – Utah Defensive Tackle Star Lotulelei”
“He’s one of them corn-fed guys. Do they have corn in Hawaii?”
“He’s Samoan. I guess this talent for names only applies to the continental U.S”
“I like him. He can tear people up.”
16. St. Louis Rams – Alabama Running Back Eddie Lacy:
“That’s my dog.”
“I know, you liked him over the North Carolina guy [Giovani Bernard]”
“You can’t tell me people that . . . nah, you can tell ’em. North Carolina is a basketball school. But that football program is getting better.”
“You know Lacy was out of shape and couldn’t finish his workouts.”
“He’s been eating too much of that supposed, ‘nutritious’ food. He needs some fat back and greens from the farm.”
“Like he needs a heart attack.”
“Just stay off Eddie and that work-out. He’ll be fine. What’s his address? I’m going to send him some Whoppers with Cheese.”
17. Pittsburgh Steelers – Alabama Cornerback Dee Milliner:
“Cornerback? They cover the wide recei – ” Paulette erupts into laughter.
18. Dallas Cowboys – Texas Safety Kenny Vaccaro:
“I like the name ‘Vaccaro’. Kennnaaaay . . . VaCCARRRRROOOO. I bet he has the Rico Suave thing happening. Is he covering wide ends, too?”
“No but tight ones.”
Paulette breaks into rhyme:
There’s more to being a latin lover
You got to know how to deal with a woman
That won’t let go
The price you pay for being a gigolo
Because he’s Kennnaaayy Vaccarrrrooo.
My real take on Kenny Vaccaro And yes, she really likes that song and likes his game.
Til next year . . .
For (non-Paulette Mooney) analysis of skill players in this year’s draft class, download the 2013 Rookie Scouting Portfolio available now. Better yet, if you’re a fantasy owner the 56-page Post-Draft Add-on comes with the 2013 RSP at no additional charge and available for download within a week after the NFL Draft. Best, yet, 10 percent of every sale is donated to Darkness to Light to combat sexual abuse. You can purchase past editions of the Rookie Scouting Portfolio for just $9.95 apiece.