Author’s Note: This was my planned defense for John Beck in our Fantasy Court segment scheduled for the October 20 broadcast of The Audible Roundtable. Unfortunately, we have suspicions that Rex Grossman tampered with my phone line so he could continue to impersonate our beloved host Cecil Lammey for the entire two hours and persecute (not prosecute) John Beck. Second, more serious note: Rex Grossman deserves credit for having the skill to even warrant consideration as an NFL starter and perform as well as he has at times. I’m piling on to an unfortunate situation for him, but I’m using him more as a character than the person he is.
Waldman: Your honor, the Audible jury, football fans – especially the victims in this case, the Redskins fans. I’ve reviewed the evidence. So have a panel of preeminent expert witnesses I will call before you. Among them are Steve Young, Ron Jaworski, Greg Cosell, Dave Razzano, Dan Shonka, and a host of others who agree that Beck has the arm talent, mobility, poise, accuracy, and anticipation to develop into a good NFL starter. What has prevented Beck from doing so was a lack of a real opportunity.
There is no justice in the NFL. Life isn’t fair and John Beck didn’t cry about it. He didn’t cry when Bill Parcells never gave him a chance after the Miami Dolphins under Cam Cameron attempted, and failed to impersonate a football team. No, instead Parcells opted for one of of his patented big-armed, two-cent savvy Robo-QBs. Guys who might shout loud enough get Lammey’s attention, but can only look at one quadrant of the field at a time.
Beck didn’t cry when the Ravens let him go to Washington although we have written testimony that some Ravens players did, which we have also entered into evidence with this court.
And he didn’t cry when Mike Shanahan opted to give Rex Grossman the first chance to reveal his true colors.
But let’s get back to justice. What is justice. What is the intention of justice. The intention of justice is to see that the guilty people are proven guilty and that the innocent are freed. Simple isn’t it. Only it’s not that simple. However, it is the defense counselor’s duty to protect the rights of the individual as it is the prosecutions duty to uphold and defend the laws of fantasy football. But we want to win. We want to win regardless of the truth. We want to win regardless of justice. REGARDLESS! of who is guilty or innocent. WINNING…is everything.
And ladies and gentlemen of the Audible jury of listeners, the prosecution is not going to get John Beck TODAY! No…because I’M GONNA GET THE PROSECUTION! OUR PLAINTIFF!!! THE HONORABLE MOTORBOATING SON OF A BITCH CECIL “BIG-MEX” LAMMEY HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED AND IMPERSONATED BY DEPOSED REDSKINS QUARTERBACK REX GROSSMAN.
I HAVE VISUAL PROOF!
GROSSMAN, WHO WE DISCOVERED JUST MINUTES AGO HAS HIRED MATT JONES, THE ROCK N’ ROLL CLOWN, TO DOPE LAMMEY AND CONFINE HIM IN THE MEN’S ROOM STALL OF AN IHOP IN ARVADA, Colorado SHOULD GO STRAIGHT TO THE WASHINGTON BENCH! THE SONOFABITCH IS GUILTY! THAT MAN IS GUILTY!
THAT MAN THERE!
THAT MAN THERE IS A SLIME!
HE IS A SLIME.
IF HE’S ALLOWED TO GO FREE then something REEAAAALLLY wrong is goin’ on here!
Judge Bloom: Mr. Waldman you are out of order!
Waldman: YOUR’E OUT OF ORDER! YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER! THE WHOLE TRIAL IS OUT OF ORDA! THEY’RE OUT OF ORDA! THAT MAN! THAT SICK, CRAZY, DEPRAVED MAN, THREW FOUR INTERCEPTIONS IN ONE GAME AND IT WASN’T EVEN CLOSE TO HIS WORST GAME AS AN NFL QUARTERBACK AND HE’D LIKE TO DO IT AGAIN! HE TOLD ME SO! IT’S JUST A SHOW!
IT’S LET’S MAKE A DEAL! LET’S MAKE A DEAL!
HEY SIGMUND, YOU WANNA “MAKE A DEAL!” I GOT AN INSANE NFL QUARTERBACK WHO LIKES TO MAKE CRAZY THROWS, KILL OFFENSES, AND IMPERSONATE OUR AUDIBLE HOST!
WHADDYA GIMMEE SIGMUND, 3 WEEKS PROBATION?
I HEAR YOU OVER THERE GROSSMAN, YOU’VE BEEN EXPOSED. YOU JUST WISH YOU COULD STRAP ON THAT BIB AND MOTORBOAT RYAN TORAIN, BUT CECIL WOULD NEVER DO THAT! HE’D ONLY DO IT TO STEPHEN DAVIS OR JOHN RIGGINS!
Waldman: [to Grossman] You, you sonofabitch, you! You’re supposed to *hit the target!* You’re supposed to protect a lead! But instead you murder it!
[dragged out of court by bailiffs]
Waldman: You killed the Redskins! You killed them! Hold it! Hold it! I just completed my opening statement!