Walk on the Wildside: My Draft to Mock – Part I

The official moving company of the Colts heading for Texas, but which quarterback’s furniture are they grabbing? Find out in My Draft to Mock, Part I. Photo by cogdogblog.

Everyone is doing mock drafts. I’m waiting for President Obama to do one on ESPN any minute now – especially with the ladies of The View likely scheduled to do one on Wednesday. For fear that my football card might be taken away, I thought it was time I do one.

Like Greg Cosell, I plead ignorance on the machinations of teams’ draft boards. In fact, I’ll go a step further and plead insanity. Seriously, mock drafts bore me. However, My Draft to Mock was a lot more entertaining to write. As for reading it? Here’s the first part. I’ll let you decide. I’m just blowing off some steam. If you hate it, don’t worry I’m not ready for The Onion just yet.

I’ll be back to deliver real analysis as the week progresses.

My Draft to Mock – Part I

Indianapolis Colts select QB Robert Griffin III, Baylor:  Long-time Colts general manager Bill Polian stewarded Indianapolis into becoming a perennial playoff force. His shrewd acquisitions that included Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Edgerrin James, Dallas Clark, Jeff Saturday, Robert Mathis, and Dwight Freeney make him the hottest thing at ESPN’s football studio. After watching owner Jim Irsay on Twitter this off season, I’m beginning to think that Polian’s biggest feat was managing his boss.

Now free from the Polian governor, Irsay’s second blunder is a misinterpretation of the Rooney Rule (an understandably ignorant mistake if his logic is that if Peyton was the head coach and offensive coordinator then it follows that they need to replace a coach/player, right? Let’s not get too pedantic, that Irsay rabbit hole is deep and twisted.) and decides to take Griffin to the utter shock of – and in many cases delight – of its fan base. Call this Irsay pick “Dumb Luck,” as the new Colts QB makes him look like a genius.

Washington Redskins select RB Trent Richardson, Alabama: In complete disbelief that the Colts take their man Griffin first overall, Mike Shanahan has a conniption, strangles Daniel Synder in the warroom while hallucinating that the Redskins owner is Al Davis, and is ultimately taken to a prison mental hospital. Doing his best Al Haig, Washington GM Bruce Allen declares he’s the president and takes Richardson, the best player in this draft.

Former baseball commissioner Peter Ueberroth buys the team for a $1 after the league discovers that Snyder’s business dealings with Somalian pirates has made Fannie Mae’s finances appear as straight as an arrow. Richardson proceeds to set the league on fire, John Beck goes to the Pro Bowl with 30 touchdown passes (28 of them screen passes to Richardson), and the Redskins win the division.

Cleveland Browns select QB Andrew Luck via trade with the Minnesota Vikings: When Luck drops to the third spot, Tom Heckert and Mike Holmgren offer the Vikings its two first-round picks and the Vikings accept on the condition that the Browns also take Bernard Berrian off its hands. Upon hearing the news, the city of Cleveland celebrates like it won the Super Bowl, LeBron James announces he’s sitting out the rest of the season until the Heat trades him back to the Cavs (only to find out after signing a lifetime contract with the team that the Cavs have been in secret negotiations to sell ownership and move to Seattle in 2012), and Steelers writer Ed Bouchette breaks down in tears because he knows Pittsburgh’s reign of terror in Cleveland is nearing its end.

Of course in true Browns fashion, Luck runs onto the field for his first start, slips on a Milk Bone near the Dawg Pound, and lands on his head. When he wakes from a two-month coma, he forgets everything he knew about the quarterback position, thinks his name is George, and moves to a kale farm. James takes the Seattle team to an NBA Championship and the Steelers continue to whip the Browns. Berrian has a career year for a 2-14 squad. Sorry Cleveland, I had to make it realistic or one of you would have written me – you know you’re the Russian literary pessimists of the NFL.

Minnesota Vikings via trade with Cleveland Browns select LT Matt Kalil, USC: Seriously, you want something spicy for Minnesota? Minny-Soda? Geez, don’t ya think the trade was enough? Prince provides enough spice for this state for the next two centuries. Kahlil quietly does his job for the next 12 years and eventually becomes Garrison Keillor’s sound effects technician.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers select CB Morris Claiborne, LSU: With a subtle raise of an eyebrow, LaGarrette Blount signals to his partner in crime to slowly remove the shiv from Malcolm Glazer’s throat upon hearing the news of the Richardson pick by the Browns. Blount rushes for 700 yards in five games until he loses a testicle trying to hurdle Falcons safety William Moore and his private parts get caught in Moore’s face mask.

St. Louis Rams select WR Michael Floyd, Notre Dame: Did you know that “Silent Stan” Kroenke the owner of the Rams is married to the Ann Walton, the daughter of Wal-Mart co-founder Bud Walton? Did you know his first name was Enos? I’m beginning to think NFL owners are far more interesting than the players. These are the people Bravo, Lifetime, and Oxygen should be casting for reality shows. Seriously, the late Al Davis, Daniel Snyder, Jerry Jones, Jim Irsay and Malcolm Glazer could give Sheree, Kim, Nene, and [whatever the rest of their names are] a run for their money.

Kroenke doesn’t like to interfere with day-to-day operations, but Sam Bradford is a different matter. When he finds out the Rams are considering Justin Blackmon, the Sooners alum calls Jeff Fisher and convinces him to take Floyd, citing Titans wide receiver draft history from Kevin Dyson through Kenny Britt. Miami’s Jeff Ireland is quivering at the thought of being left with an Oklahoma State receiver who was a teammate with the man whose mother he wanted know the “down and dirty.”

Why is Mel Gibson in this pic? It’s all part of the hypnotherapy used on Blaine Gabbert. Photo by  v i p e z.

Jacksonville Jaguars select WR Justin Blackmon, Oklahoma State: Justin Blackmon is Roddy White without speed. Blaine Gabbert is Matt Ryan with a more severe case of pressure sensitivity. However, new head coach Mike Mularky tracks down John Smoltz’s sports psychologist and after a few hypnotherapy sessions involving the images of an archery target, Mike Lombardi’s 5×7 photo pinned to a whoopee cushion, and voice recordings of Mel Gibson, Gabbert is transformed into a laughing sadomasochist in the pocket who reports to training camp in a blue kilt and face paint. Blackmon isn’t sure what to make of his new quarterback, but as long as he’s getting the ball on-time, accurately, and often, he doesn’t care if his throwing mate is dressed like the Burger King.

Miami Dolphins select QB Ryan Tannehill, Texas A&M: Sweating bullets that he might wind up with Dez Bryant’s running mate at Oklahoma State, the GM is ecstatic to take Tannehill despite the protests of former mentor and Bears National Director of Scouting Greg Gabriel, who, thinks Tannehill is the next Kyle Boller. In the end, Ireland decides that responsible or not, Gabriel did belong to a regime that maintained its winless streak on drafting successful quarterbacks outside of Sid Luckman and Jim McMahon. Forty percent of the Dolphins fans are overjoyed, forty percent are abandoning the team faster than you can say Ricky Williams, and the remaining 20 percent are at the beach and don’t even know what’s going on.

Part II? We’ll see, this is probably enough. For real analysis of 2012 prospects download the 2012 Rookie Scouting Portfolio. I’ll also be delivering a post-draft analysis “add-on” as a part of the package, available May 6.

6 responses to “Walk on the Wildside: My Draft to Mock – Part I”

  1. Small correction. Marvin Harrison wasn’t acquired by Bill Polian. He was already on the team when Polian took over. Harrison was a Tobin draft pick.

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